• by Eva Manandhar

So, what has my experience been like so far, the first thought that comes to my mind – how do I write all that down, so many things have happened, you go through so many emotions and so many experiences where do you begin, what do you write and what do you leave out, is it even really possible to write this whole experience down, cause it is just too many, way too many things.

Going into the classroom nervous yet confident, feeling you are equipped with all these new, interesting and fun ideas, throwing them one after the other at students, seeing how much they like it and participate eagerly, making it fun for them, and then to your shock utter shock, realising that all they want to do — is not have fun, they want to study – the course book, they mean serious business, standing there dumbfounded not knowing what to say or do.

Eva Manadhar with her students in Tamang Dress

So, turning the pages of that oh so uninteresting course book, using it knowing the kids are learning nothing worthwhile and realising you are wasting precious time, where they could have learnt something more useful, not knowing how to get out of this trap, sinking deeper and deeper into it, course goes – kids learn nothing, only study to pass exams, isn’t that what all the other teachers are doing? So, if you are going to go the same way, why are you even here in the first place, the teachers there could very well do that, questions without concrete answers.

Losing track, losing direction, going completely haywire, feeling lost and hopeless.

You go to Mili, pour your heart out, cry and then cry some more, see everyone else is pretty much in the same state, come back not knowing what the Mili was all about, but then, go to school, enter the classroom and you realise, somehow, somewhere you have this renewed energy, this confidence, you don’t exactly know where or how it came. The days pass by, you say forget the course, I have seen how much damage it has done to my kids, from now on, it is my way.

It is with that renewed energy you enter the class, take matters into your own hands and tell kids this is how things are going to be, this is how we will learn.

You find your own space, you find a rhythm.

Yes, at times, the course does bother you, and you finally even figure out a way to incorporate it into your teaching, Hallelujah !!! yes at times the fear of not doing things right, or not doing anything comes up, but it does not take over you, you just flick it aside and move on with the conviction, cause you have to, you move on believing in your ways, believing in yourself, cause your two day mentor told you – Believe in yourself.

Of course a lot of things are still haywire, but you do not let that defeat you, you know you will move ahead one step at a time, you’ve made mistakes after mistakes, and that has been the best thing, it is from those mistakes that you have learnt.

And you very well know, though you have the second year planned out in your head, you are going to make many more mistakes, and you smile satisfied, cause you know, your kids are going to benefit from it and you are going to learn a lot as you teach.